Gaby Sunshine of my Life

It was until we crossed the bridge onto the Island that I realized my pain wasn't all that bad and that sitting next to me a little girl was also in pain, yet hiding it well. I had asked her a few days earlier about the what is going on and how she was feeling. He standard reply was " I don't think about it." I asked her what she was feeling inside and she responded " angry, hurt mad and sad, why did she do this?" Again I was left with unknowns and why's I can only reassure her that everything would be ok one day and that it would take some time for me to feel better. This morning as I awoke at the beach, my soon to be ex called to say that her parents home had been hit by lightning. She said she called because she was "freaking out" and ......well, I was the one that she used to talk to about everything. She told me she was in the car with the dog and was ok. I said ok, and then goodbye. I have since tried calling her back to let her know that I understand that she wants to be friends and call me,but I can no longer be there for her because it hurts too much. I tried calling the house, but her brother answered and said she wasn't home. I have since waited to let her know that unless it's an emergency or it concerns the divorce to not call.
I try to think positive and stay in the moment with my daughter. The pain will pass as will the memories of the last 6 1/2 years with her. I must be there for my daughter as it is just as painful for her, but she is not allowing it out or showing me. My daughter is so special! She has the greatest smile and laugh, very beautiful and smart ( *** straight A's *** ) and getting to be a very good athlete. She always seems to think positively about most things even when things or people seem all bad.
My emotions are still out of control and even though I feel as though I could cry at any moment, I don't, at least not now. Sleep is still something I crave to find again as is my appetite. Slowly they have begun to return in small amounts and I know this is the sign of a new beginning as well as my own healing. Therapy is good and I am reminded constantly that people go through this and allot worse. I will survive, and so will my daughter.

Ocean View

In therapy last night I was reminded once again that this too will pass. I have asked many people about this pain that I am going through and most will have a similar story to tell. Suprisingly my own boss came to me and spoke of his relationship with a woman of 4 years living together, speaking of marriage. He had given his heart and should to her and owned day, out of the blue she decided to leave. He told me that he was also a basketcase for over 3 months and it was about one year before he was emotionally over her. I am still questioning myself and why this had to happen. I know that there is a lesson to be learned and that I am slowly starting to not only see this, but understand it. Today I will be visiting the shore with my beautiful, smart and very funny daughter. She is my star through my days of gray. I have asked her about the pain she too is undoubtedly feeling from being with a step-mother/friend and mentor for these past 6 1/2 years. She is at times stoic, but the pain is ever present in her face and when pressed for how she is feeling , anger and the ever present why? A child's point of view is so innocent. In a very clear message to her step-mother, she wrote "why would you leave someone you love?" Why don't you try to work things out?" I understand it, but from the others person point of view it is possibly just as painful to give up something that means so much to you. I was told last night night in therapy that my soon to be ex has probably gone through this grieving that I am currently going through and had already in her mind divorced me several years ago. I will no doubt, begin my journey of discovering myself and learning how to be alone without being lonely. Healthy hobbies, clubs, volunteering and enjoying the day to day things that make up life are all ahead of me. It is a strong person to be able to accept and allow the pain of loss out in the open. I am a strong person and will grow. I don't wish any type of relationship at this point in my life and don't know nor will I place a timetable on it. It will come when it does. The other thing I must keep in mind is to not make any rash or hastily decision while I am still very emotional. Poor choices have been already made in this state of mind and I must not continue. Love in your heart and in your mind, keep an open heart always.

Divorce vs. Death

I guess what I'm trying to discover is who I am. I mean I just recently was informed by my soon to be ex that she was leaving and wanted to find herself. I guess that means partying and spending nights out with "new" found friends. I can't blame her for wanting to get out, with being a very young 31 and married to a man ten years older with a 10 year kid and an ex who lives only 50 yards away. She was being smothered! She had come from a previous marriage as was I when we met on-line in a Yahoo chat room back in 1999. It was alcohol and other fun stuff to blind our minds and dream of happly ever after. Tricks the mind will play and hold your reason hostage to accomodate what you think is love. Both of us were in our own worlds. It wasn't until I found out that she was emotionally cheating on me at our workplace in 2002 that I lost my trust. I had access to her e-mails and was monitoring after some starnge behavior. I soon realized that sexual inuendo were being sent daily back and forth to her "new" friend. Enraged I lost my cool and lost my job in a mere minute. I contiued to hold my breath hoping she would turn around and make a stronger commitment to our marriage which was only a few months old. I settled in on a new job traveling 74 miles round trip. Pay adaquet, but not enough. Again, I made a rash descision and without warning quit this job. She was furious that she was now the sole supporter. I assured her that I would start my own business and make money. A year and a half later and a new house, I returned to the real world and got a job that has high potential with growth and earning capacity, unfortunatly it came to late. She had been building resentment and bitterness since our fisasco in 2002 when I was intitally fired. Laziness, attributed to my ADD didn't help her but only made things worse. Besides the fact that she is Bi-Polar, I am still in love with her and accept her for who she is and will be. Now to the conclusion.
It was Sunday, Father's day when I saw an old friend who also reminded me of another father. This person was my second dad in a sense that I grew up accross the street from him and was best friends with his number 3 son. I rememberd back to the days as she reminded me that he was in poor health and cancer had almost taken him from us. As I drove home later that evening, I said to my daughter, maybe we should stop by the hospital and see him? I never did. Instead I received an e-mail from another friend the next evening that he had passed away earlier in the morning. The funeral was yesterday at I couldn't control my emotions. I am on an emotional rollercoaster and when I was sitting, paying respect to this man, I realized that it's more important to focus on who wants to be in your life and what you want from it rather to dwell on what you lost or don't have anymore. I believe that you can still love someone, but it may not be in anyone's best interest to live with them or have them in their lives. So I am still emotional, sad, hurt and angry that this woman whom I opened my heart and soul to has rejected me and shut me out. But I was fortunate enough to have her touch my life as did my friends father. One has has closure for me, the other I fear may never close. A truly open heart fears nothing, but experiences love and compassion for all. I hope one day I can attain that thought.